dark

I've lived through a lot of things.......but very few can equal the horrible loneliness of coming home at 9:58 after a long week of work...and training and finding the house completely dark...despite the inhabitants.

i go to sleep.  i act tough.  again.

but wouldn't ever want this existance for anyone that I love.  ever.

Zone 4/5

isn't pretty.

It's even LESS pretty when it involves hills...repeatedly.  at the end of a week where you have barely retained what passes for sanity. 

But, no matter the margin, you DID survive. 

Last night's workout, however, didn't happen.  It was one of those nights where I had a plan and then what I needed to do at work blew past it's allotted time and then I wanted to go to this party but didn't...and ended up with huge guilt for having bailed on both. 

However, that little voice inside me that wakes me up in the middle of the night to talk about bicycle racing was there...and told me to go do the hill workout.  Knowing that no matter what I would still have the strike against me for not doing it on the correct day...but still, it was better than a horrible red block in trainingpeaks.  And actually, I may still be relegated to a horrible red block but while I'm writing this post, I will pretend I am not.

Now, some of you know my feeling about gravity....and how I believe the laws of physics should not apply equally to all who inhabit the earth.  Nice people, for example, should not be pressed to the ground quite as firmly as bad people.  Nice people should have a slightly less gravitational constant to allow them to spread their goodness to all...more easily.  Bad people should be absolutely squashed. 

but somehow nobody...not science nor God, seems to want to consider my proposal.

So I'm stuck with gravity and it's effects on my too large for bike racing mass.  (sigh)  What's a gal to do?  Umm...eat less?  ;-)  Yup.  that's about it.  But until I can consistently manage to eat less, I will still struggle on uphills.

this is my cross to bear.  I won't quit, of course, but I will complain a lot.  if not openly than secretly.

OK, so tonight I'm at my favorite Galbraith hill and cranking along.  Actually, enjoying this.  Likely because the huge weight of a RE-review was lifted.  I was rocking the heavy wheels and in full kit despite the humidity and heat.  I was remembering when...I couldn't get up this hill even once... and then needed my triple...and then 2 years later could make it in the middle chain ring ...and now my triple is gone and I can big ring the whole damned thing.  10 times.  Many might not understand, but to me this is a big accomplishment.

I saw a number of other riders on the hill tonight.  One notable couple were some racers that I know a little bit.  Super folks...however, when I do intervals on or near the trail and see other racers, I'm always a bit fearful that they will think I'm doing something goofy when I'm in an interval.  like "why is that fat chick speeding past and then slowing down like that??"  "Doesn't she know we can dust her with one leg if we wanted to?"   I wonder if others in training feel that way when cranking through an interval workout on the trail...  Often there will be guys who will not want to me pass them and then will pass me on a rest and then look back...as if to say, "HAH!  Take THAT!" and I want to say, "Please excuse me, I'm just doing Zone 4 intervals.  I'm really not a fat egomaniac in matchy matchy kit..."  Well, actually I AM a HUGE egomaniac in matchy matchy kit, but I'm honestly just trying to do my workout.  I think.  ;-)

And so I said that, "ugh, hill repeats...4 more to go."  And in response I got encouragement! 

Goodnight all.  Need to figure out where my pursuit of total cycling domination will take me tomorrow!! 

Here's looking forward to some decent sleep.

mb

hurt

so sometimes.

I'm grateful that I can flip the switch to gratitude and then I'm much better.

Got pounded at work last week for showing up and presenting all the work we've been doing to help sell this product.....but the big boss didn't like the summary format and shit on me.

um, ok. I can take it. The thing that was hard to take was that it upset my boss...who I am hugely bonded to.

so now, i'm slugging away in the basement...where pretty much nobody else will go and trying to bond the evil big boss and his henchmen.

Racing can sometimes feel like despite my best efforts, I still don't make the progress I want. won 3 TTs this year. So I spose 3 out of 12 races ain't bad...but somehow I'm never nearly as good as I want to be. And today...well, I hurt... in many ways and that's all I can say.

I inadvertently put my cell phone through the washer...so buying a new phone will set me back. again. and so much of the pain today was due to not purchasing the new saddle that is waiting for me at the shop...that will not be within the expenses of the next two weeks.


I do want to end on a positive note: the things that don't hurt are my good friends who show up when I need them most. My Coach. And my amazing kiddos. When I'm wearing my "big girl" pants....I really don't hurt at all. I'm grateful. And that's what I want to focus on.

And I will.

Peace and Blessings to all.

m

Women's Road World Cup

Just turned on the TV...a few minutes after I should be asleep (goin on four races...six days) and there was this program.

Do I think elite Cycling has passed me by?

Um. Sometimes.

But then I look around me.

At those I love and admire.

And I'm just so freakin' happy... nothing else matters.

Yes, I struggle to get past the fatigue of days spent fighting hard in the office. But, hell, who doesn't have some sort of crap to get past???

I'm happy to be past the resentment. I am where I am. And tomorrow I WILL be stronger than today...even if just by inches. I WILL. I CAN.

nuf said.

Goodnight all.

m

Super Moon Weekend

Time it was and what a time it was!

A time of laughter and heated philosophies, of thunderstorms, and the new summer, and yes, the Super Moon.  There were cardboard numbers and pretty Southern pageant queens racing smart and FAST.  And a scary corner that I punched the teeth out of eventually, a foot that wouldn't clip, a long damned hill with a descent of 63mph? (maybe)  Questions that were answered.  Weary old weaknesses.  Plans for new races and riders. 

I did some things right, and some things wrong...the good news is that my failures are rooted in things that I CAN control and fix.  Starting now. 

To the edge and back

It's been a good season so far.

I feel like I'm getting past a lot of things that have held me back in the past and focus is getting better.

It often does feel like a constant management of gear and laundry and food and finances and driving...so when I'm actually riding, I'm consciously grateful of NOT doing the other five.

Was oddly happy to be back at the gym yesterday. It was quiet and I was able to lift more than I had at my last visit. I'm finally starting to see the value in rest weeks. I used to hate them and now I look forward to "soaking in" that will just happen if I do them as scheduled.

I don't juggle my days much anymore. I've turned off the television.

and my mind has officially given up on "having it all." I've stopped pretending that I do anything casually...I have easy days but all sessions do have a goal. I can't control the outcome, and I CAN flex with anything that happens, but there is always a goal.

It's a good and peaceful place. I'm certainly having quite a lot of fun.

And yes, there are some very new challenges coming soon...

I wonder

if my job was to ride rather than to sit in my cube and design aircraft engines...would riding become work?


if the Smoky Mountains would become boring if I lived there all the time?


if i would take beautiful sunny days for granted without the rain?


if i would appreciate clean, dry clothes without working out?





I'm thankful to not know the answers to these questions.

It is hard at the end of the work day, though, to dig up the energy to train. It helps to make committments to meet teammates at practice...but sometimes all the anxiety of the day makes it difficult not to overeat. And sometimes I just want a day to do absolutely NOTHING. But likely that day will never come.

I'm trying to get a nice green streak going in TP...not always easy with Spring Weather...but it's still a good goal.

Will launch an all-out-assault on my hugely disorganized portion of the house in an effort to have everything ship-shape for Jo's return. I need to get rid of all the jeans that don't stay up without belts and many other things.

Hit the gym and then had a little time to Box in the Park with Coach Joel and the kids...Met Kayla, a new sponsoree, who just didn't want to quit when the other kids went to play on swings and wrestle. Sharp little gal. I hope she sticks with it. I was struck by how very important it is for parents to be able to be supportive. It's a gift to have the ability--both financial and cognitive--to be able to support your kids. I'm not saying that strong parents don't make mistakes...but there are so many well-meaning parents who just don't know what to do. Likely nobody knew what to do to support them either. It's a sad cycle. But I personally believe that no act of kindness towards any child is ever wasted.

CJ got some good news about some new gym equipment that someone is donating. We will hopefully go pick it up in the truck and assemble it soon. If anyone is interested in helping out the Lockland Gym...or coming by and learning to box/self-defence/fight, etc....PLEASE COME. He's running a special for Ladies on MWF...$1.00 for the session. Regular rate is $3.00 for Adults and $2.00 for kids. If more folks who can PAY these class fees would come, it would help cover the costs for the kids who cannot pay...and who he doesn't ever turn away.

It's almost time to head to practice and I just got a ping from Steph telling me she'll see me there...could not have been more ON CUE!

Happy Miles, All!

m